I don’t know if your life allows you to pull off daily mass occasionally but I go often with my niece and her kids. They’re not consistently well-behaved, but there’s a strange level od attention. Sometimes the four year old beats father to “behold the Lamb of God” and sometimes he shouts alleluia. They have more space to be at daily mass and the elderly love them. Their mom doesn’t get to pray as much as she’d like, but there have been gains over time from the repetition.
We’ve gone through periods of splitting Mass up when my boys were all under 5 and really struggling, but I can say that what Anamaria (the commenter you reference who happens to be a friend of mine) said is true: my boys are now 8, 5, and 3, and although we have to take our 3 year old out almost every week for at least part of the time, the older two are well behaved for the most part. It is in their bones, and I can see how all of our hard work in bringing them is paying off. My husband joked the other day that when Jesus says you have to love him more than your family/children, it’s hard to envision what he means, except when you consider that taking them to mass when they’re little IS loving Jesus more than 1) your own comfort and 2) your kids’ comfort.
I have 6 kids all under the age of 9. If I had to categorize myself, I suppose I’d fall into category 3: “the “offer it up” approach.” But I feel my posture is a little different than what you’ve described. I’ve actually never heard of the “grace is the same” thing? When I think about this topic, what I “get” from the Mass isn’t at the forefront of my mind, but rather it’s what I can give that I lean into. Forgive me, but I posted a note on exactly this topic just a couple of weeks ago and I’m just going to copy it here, because it explains exactly what I mean here & sums up my overall viewpoint: “I'd like to believe that the sacrifice I offer during a really difficult Mass - one in which I was outside more than half the time, frustrated, hot and exhausted, rocking a baby and chasing toddlers all the while trying to be as loving a mother as I possibly can and not cry (or scream)... is greater than the sacrifice I would have offered if my children were all perfectly peaceful and I didn't have to leave the pew once.
The Mass is *literally* a sacrifice. The more difficult our children are making it for us, the greater the sacrifice it can become.”
I think another backbone of how I “make peace” with feeling like I don’t even participate in the Mass is simply the idea of abandonment to the will of God. Because I believe that God wills for all of his children (both actual children and adults haha) to worship Him through the sacrifice of the Mass, I try my best to be at peace with *whatever* that looks like for us in this season of life with so many little ones, knowing that that is what God has willed for me, and it’s for my (and my kids’) good!
Also another vote for daily Mass!! I think the more often they go the more comfortable they become. When it’s no longer a once a week special occasion their behavior does change a bit. But even if behavior doesn’t technically improve… I do firmly believe that the environment within your family (particularly when it comes to going to Mass) does change. It becomes more routine and things become more habitual. They have more opportunities to “practice”. And for us moms, it’s a low(er) pressure environment due to the nature of daily mass (*usually* shorter, less people, more room). During transitions (like after a new baby have joined the family) I like to sit in the VERY back, far away from everyone … it affords me the ability to talk to them more and really instruct and “practice” without disrupting others.
Phew! What a long-winded comment. Thank you for taking the time to read that! I hope it may have been helpful!
Wow, I’m so grateful for your wisdom here. Abandonment to God’s will is a beautiful way to frame it. And I do tend to me more pragmatic and think about it in terms of “what are the tangible benefits of this?” Which I know is limiting. So thank you!
My church community is remarkably tolerant of screaming babies and wandering toddlers, and I think feel sorry for the parents who seem embarrassed and stressed. Usually their stress is met with a smile. I think a lot of folks remember what it was like to be in the shoes of these parents. We have a young man with turrets syndrome who seems not to be such a curiosity anymore. I am always moved to see families doing their best to be present at mass because they know this is formation and sacramental and such grace. Even Jesus said let the children come, so who am I to complain? God bless you!
We don't have children so the practicals of all this are a foreign land to me. Nevertheless, I wrote an article last year that tracks with so much of what you've written here. It's possible to read what I have here as entirely focused on "outcomes," but hopefully my carefulness about that comes through.
Well, add Hildebrand to my ever growing reading list! Great article. I thought the data from Greeley’s book was fascinating and would be curious how recent data compares. But the whole thing made me think about how many people who grew up Catholic but no longer practice still have a deep, visceral relationship to the Church and the Mass in particular. It moves them. They feel a deep connection to it even if Catholicism is otherwise meaningless to them. This always strikes me as remarkable. And graced.
Thanks for reading, Sarah. I have similar questions with respect to Greeley’s data. The interesting thing about that, though, is that it mostly comes from studies that were done in the 70s and 80s when the Church’s liturgy was experiencing instability and rapid change after the Council. The fact that the numbers were so robust back then makes his finds even more striking.
I think a lot of priests are really very awesome and cool about it. They want people to bring their kids. And that makes me want to keep trying to bring them!
It’s been my experience as well that priests want to encourage families at Mass. Every month we have Liturgy of the Word for children, where the children come forward, they receive a blessing, and an adult reads the first and second readings with the children and discusses them. I’m in the choir and sometimes the moms in the choir might smile when a kid starts getting loud or is unhappy. They’ve experienced it themselves.
I like it also, although I have never married or had kids. I am auntie to three nieces. Two of them are now adults, the youngest had her confirmation this year and graduated from Catholic grade school this year. She is starting ninth grade in the fall at a Chicago magnet high school.
I don’t know if your life allows you to pull off daily mass occasionally but I go often with my niece and her kids. They’re not consistently well-behaved, but there’s a strange level od attention. Sometimes the four year old beats father to “behold the Lamb of God” and sometimes he shouts alleluia. They have more space to be at daily mass and the elderly love them. Their mom doesn’t get to pray as much as she’d like, but there have been gains over time from the repetition.
The SPACE ISSUE is so real. I’ve thought about it. You’re making me think I might try.
We’ve gone through periods of splitting Mass up when my boys were all under 5 and really struggling, but I can say that what Anamaria (the commenter you reference who happens to be a friend of mine) said is true: my boys are now 8, 5, and 3, and although we have to take our 3 year old out almost every week for at least part of the time, the older two are well behaved for the most part. It is in their bones, and I can see how all of our hard work in bringing them is paying off. My husband joked the other day that when Jesus says you have to love him more than your family/children, it’s hard to envision what he means, except when you consider that taking them to mass when they’re little IS loving Jesus more than 1) your own comfort and 2) your kids’ comfort.
Man I am so encouraged! Thank you! 🙏🏻 we shall persevere
I have 6 kids all under the age of 9. If I had to categorize myself, I suppose I’d fall into category 3: “the “offer it up” approach.” But I feel my posture is a little different than what you’ve described. I’ve actually never heard of the “grace is the same” thing? When I think about this topic, what I “get” from the Mass isn’t at the forefront of my mind, but rather it’s what I can give that I lean into. Forgive me, but I posted a note on exactly this topic just a couple of weeks ago and I’m just going to copy it here, because it explains exactly what I mean here & sums up my overall viewpoint: “I'd like to believe that the sacrifice I offer during a really difficult Mass - one in which I was outside more than half the time, frustrated, hot and exhausted, rocking a baby and chasing toddlers all the while trying to be as loving a mother as I possibly can and not cry (or scream)... is greater than the sacrifice I would have offered if my children were all perfectly peaceful and I didn't have to leave the pew once.
The Mass is *literally* a sacrifice. The more difficult our children are making it for us, the greater the sacrifice it can become.”
I think another backbone of how I “make peace” with feeling like I don’t even participate in the Mass is simply the idea of abandonment to the will of God. Because I believe that God wills for all of his children (both actual children and adults haha) to worship Him through the sacrifice of the Mass, I try my best to be at peace with *whatever* that looks like for us in this season of life with so many little ones, knowing that that is what God has willed for me, and it’s for my (and my kids’) good!
Also another vote for daily Mass!! I think the more often they go the more comfortable they become. When it’s no longer a once a week special occasion their behavior does change a bit. But even if behavior doesn’t technically improve… I do firmly believe that the environment within your family (particularly when it comes to going to Mass) does change. It becomes more routine and things become more habitual. They have more opportunities to “practice”. And for us moms, it’s a low(er) pressure environment due to the nature of daily mass (*usually* shorter, less people, more room). During transitions (like after a new baby have joined the family) I like to sit in the VERY back, far away from everyone … it affords me the ability to talk to them more and really instruct and “practice” without disrupting others.
Phew! What a long-winded comment. Thank you for taking the time to read that! I hope it may have been helpful!
Wow, I’m so grateful for your wisdom here. Abandonment to God’s will is a beautiful way to frame it. And I do tend to me more pragmatic and think about it in terms of “what are the tangible benefits of this?” Which I know is limiting. So thank you!
Oh i didn’t see this before so ignore my other comment!
My church community is remarkably tolerant of screaming babies and wandering toddlers, and I think feel sorry for the parents who seem embarrassed and stressed. Usually their stress is met with a smile. I think a lot of folks remember what it was like to be in the shoes of these parents. We have a young man with turrets syndrome who seems not to be such a curiosity anymore. I am always moved to see families doing their best to be present at mass because they know this is formation and sacramental and such grace. Even Jesus said let the children come, so who am I to complain? God bless you!
We don't have children so the practicals of all this are a foreign land to me. Nevertheless, I wrote an article last year that tracks with so much of what you've written here. It's possible to read what I have here as entirely focused on "outcomes," but hopefully my carefulness about that comes through.
https://rosselli.substack.com/p/how-the-mass-raises-children
Well, add Hildebrand to my ever growing reading list! Great article. I thought the data from Greeley’s book was fascinating and would be curious how recent data compares. But the whole thing made me think about how many people who grew up Catholic but no longer practice still have a deep, visceral relationship to the Church and the Mass in particular. It moves them. They feel a deep connection to it even if Catholicism is otherwise meaningless to them. This always strikes me as remarkable. And graced.
Thanks for reading, Sarah. I have similar questions with respect to Greeley’s data. The interesting thing about that, though, is that it mostly comes from studies that were done in the 70s and 80s when the Church’s liturgy was experiencing instability and rapid change after the Council. The fact that the numbers were so robust back then makes his finds even more striking.
One of our pastors, now at another parish, was thankful people brought their children to Mass.
I think a lot of priests are really very awesome and cool about it. They want people to bring their kids. And that makes me want to keep trying to bring them!
It’s been my experience as well that priests want to encourage families at Mass. Every month we have Liturgy of the Word for children, where the children come forward, they receive a blessing, and an adult reads the first and second readings with the children and discusses them. I’m in the choir and sometimes the moms in the choir might smile when a kid starts getting loud or is unhappy. They’ve experienced it themselves.
I’m very pro children’s liturgy!!!
I like it also, although I have never married or had kids. I am auntie to three nieces. Two of them are now adults, the youngest had her confirmation this year and graduated from Catholic grade school this year. She is starting ninth grade in the fall at a Chicago magnet high school.
Wow! Three nieces 💕 that sounds so fun.
Such a beautiful reflection, thank you for sharing!!